


It Means...I Love You

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 22:18:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16921452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When you Castiel hears your call for help, he comes to your side quickly.  But he never thought he would find you in a state of panic, or that he would find out about your past of self-harm.  But he is ready to help you start a new path, with him as your guide.





	It Means...I Love You

Those who have never dealt with anxiety doesn’t understand what it is like.  It doesn’t have to be anything major, maybe something you heard on the television, or something that you saw…whatever it is, it sends you spiraling through what feels like the seven circles of hell, only to be tossed back out, and left for dead. 

 

Dying…that’s what if feels like.  It feels like your lungs are going to implode as you try to gasp in air.  If feels like your veins are boiling away, as your blood pounds through them, making you have hot and cold flashes.  Your heart feels like it is going to stop, it is pounding so hard…  And all you can think is…not again, not again…I don’t want to go yet…please don’t take me…

 

That what was happening to you.  You tried to stop it, tried to get it under control, but you couldn’t.  Once the gates of your mind and self-doubt and anxiety were open, you couldn’t stop it.  All you could do is curl in on yourself on the bathroom floor of this crappy motel and try to even out your breathing, counting each breath, doing everything you could to make yourself stop.

 

It was a piece of the past that had set you off.  You had been doing so well, no attacks, no thoughts for over a year.  Ever since you had started hunting with Sam and Dean and Castiel, they had kept you so busy with world ending drama and random hunts that you hadn’t even had a chance to stop and think.  But then you saw it…

 

You always hid it in the soft part of your hair brush, somewhere where it was secure, no one would see it.  It wouldn’t even come out unless you had forced it…but it must have wiggled out a little ways, because as you ran the brush through your hair, getting ready for bed, the edge of it caught your thumb and cut you.

 

The razor blade.

 

That razor blade that you used to use to help you deal with everything.   You looked up from your balled up position, lifting your head from your knees as you looked over to the blade that had been tossed to the floor.  There was some blood on it, and drops of blood everywhere from where it nicked your thumb. 

 

Tears welled up in your eyes as you started to sob, making the anxiety heighten, making you feel so much worse.  You promised her you wouldn’t do it anymore…you promised her, and you lied.  You lied.  You just cut yourself…again.  The thoughts began to attack you from every angle, making you lose control.  You lied. You were worthless, you couldn’t keep one promise.  You were useless, the world would be better off without you.  The boys would be better off without you.

 

You squeezed your eyes closed as you covered your ears, as if that would keep the voices at bay.  Those voices inside your head that were trying to get you to do it…to make one last attempt, take the blade, and just-  “No!”  You screamed, tears running down your face.  “No…please no, make it stop!”  You cried out.

 

“Chelsea?”  You heard a deep raspy voice ask you.  You looked up into the blue eyes of your favorite angle and began sobbing harder.  You didn’t want him to see you like this…you didn’t want him to know.  “What is wrong?  I heard you calling out for help.”  His voice was filled with worry over you as he knelt down next to you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder.  “I will got get Dean.”

 

“NO!”  You screamed at him, clutching his tan trench coat between your fists.  “Please, don’t…don’t tell anyone-please, Cas… please!” 

 

He looked into your eyes and saw all the emotions play across your face.  He looked down, and that was when he saw your arms, for the first time.  He always wondered why you wore long sleeved shirts, or those fingerless gloves, even when you were sweating, but now he knew.  He saw the scars across your arms, marking you up from your wrist to your mid arm. 

 

“Chelsea?  Did you do this?” 

 

You let him go as you pushed yourself back, trying to distance yourself from him.  “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”  You sobbed, expecting the angel to be disgusted, or angry. 

 

What you hadn’t expected was for him to sit next to you and pull you into his chest.  “You need to take deep breaths.”  He went through the motions of doing the same thing as he let your head rest right over his heart, so you could listen to the beating.  “Deep breaths.”  He said calmly as he rubbed your back and arms. 

 

You closed your eyes and focused on Castiel, knowing that he would be your light at the end of the tunnel.  You took deep breaths, labored at first, but they evened out.  You let your mind focus on the circles he was drawing on your back as he rubbed his hand up and down your tank top. 

 

It was then that you heard him muttering some words you didn’t recognize.  If you had to guess, they would have been enochian, but you weren’t certain.  All of these little things Castiel did managed to pull you from your panic attack, your self-hatred.

 

“Thank you.”  You mumbled into his chest as you wrapped your arms around him, feeling suddenly exhausted. 

 

“Of course.  But I wish to discuss this…”  He said as he ran his thumb over your arm.  “Why do you do this?” 

 

You sighed as you sat up and laid your head on his shoulder, “It gives me control…but I don’t want control like that…and seeing these reminds me…”  You started crying again and he gave you a tight hug. 

 

“I understand.”  He said softly as he looked down at the little droplets of blood on the floor.  You watched as the worry in his eyes intensified, looking over your arms for a new cut, but when his eyes landed on your thumb, he just took a deep breath before healing it.  “You did not mean to cut yourself.”

 

It wasn’t a question, more of a statement.  Without even speaking many words, Castiel seemed to have understood what you were feeling, why you felt so bad about the marks on your arms, and what a bad place you were in.  “No…it slipped out of the brush I had it hid inside.”

 

You motioned over to the small razor blade on the floor, and Castiel picked it up.  He looked it over for a moment and then squeezed his hand around it tightly.  “Cas, don’t!”  You screamed as you tried to pry his hand open.  He waited a few moments before he opened it to reveal a small pile of dust, no cut on his hand. “What?”

 

“This item was hurting you, so I removed it.  But just as you panicked when you thought I hurt myself, so I panic when I think about you in that same way.”   

 

You gulped down some air as he spoke to you, running his fingers down your arm slowly.  But all you could do was stare into those beautiful blue angel eyes. 

 

“These are old scars, and I am glad you have not hurt yourself lately.  But if you ever feel the need, please call for me.  I will always come when you call.  I will keep you safe, I promise you that, Chelsea.” 

 

Tears filled your eyes again, but this time they were happy ones.  Your friend, who had died over a year ago, was the only one who had ever known about your cutting, and she was able to keep you in line, make sure you knew how loved and special you were.  To have someone like that again, to have Castiel be that person, meant more to you than you ever could say. 

 

“I can help you.  We could do it together.  You would have a fresh start.”  Castiel spoke as he looked down at your arms.

 

There were so many times you wished those scars would disappear, wished that you had never given in that first time, causing all of this damage to your body.  But it was time to put that aside.  A fresh start.  That was what you were getting, putting the past behind you.  A new start with Sam and Dean, and your favorite angel, Castiel. 

 

You nodded as you smiled up at Castiel.  “Thank you, Cas.  You have always been so good to me.” 

 

You got to witness one of those rare Castiel smiles before he leaned forward and kissed your forehead.  “I am always good to you because I care about you.  I won’t let anyone or any thought hurt you anymore.  I will always be here for you.” 

 

You and Castiel sat on the bathroom floor for a couple hours, you were curled up in his arms the entire time.  And the two of you just talked, about happier topics.  Castiel even tried to teach you a small phrase in enochian.  He had you recite it over and over until you were saying it just right.  You giggled when you asked him what it meant, probably something random. 

 

But instead, he just looked down into your eyes and whispered it again as he smiled.  “It means…I love you.” 


End file.
